Friday, September 26, 2003

How to Poop at Work

Like most everybody else on the net, I get tons of junk e-mail - it's not really "Spam," but it just stuff you don't really want sent by well meaning friends, newbies, your mother or that hot chick you met at the bar the other night. You know what I'm talking about - bad jokes, save the unborn, gay, albino whales, chain letters (send it to 10 people or more within 5 minutes) and other worthless crap that has absolutely no redeeming value what-so-ever.

But every now and then there is a gem...

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, the following is a Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not  hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several juicy farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This  reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least  expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH or try to time the splash with a COURTESY FLUSH.

HAVANA OMELET
A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
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And then (on the same day) somebody else sent me this...

GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done pooping, have pulled your underwear up to your knees and you realize you have to poopie some more.

POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so hard you practically have a stroke.

UPPER CLASS POOPIE: The kind of poopie that does not smell.

SURPRISE POOPIE: You are not even at the toilet because you are positive you will only fart, but... (oops!) a poopie.

DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop even though you know you are done pooping. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.

ATOMIC POOPIE: The kind that burns on the way out and it still burns hours after you poopie.

LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: This kind of poopie is so huge, you are afraid to flush without breaking it up with your pencil.

GASSEY POOPIE: It is so noisy that everyone within earshot is giggling.

DRINKER POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks at the bottom of the toilet bowl.

CORN POOPIE: (self explanatory)

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you could do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP POOPIE: This kind hurts so bad coming out, you swear it is leaving sideways.

WET CHEEKS POOPIE (aka POWER DUMP): The kind that comes out so fast, your behind is splashed with toilet water.

LIQUID POOPIE: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out and splashes all over the toilet bowl and you.
 
 

Yup, yup, yup... we've all been there - LOL
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Thursday, September 25, 2003

UpDates & Reviews

"Nude Amateur Women" - Real Amateur Women and Barely Legal Teen Girls getting Nude for the Camera.

"Nude Amateur Women" is a CyberAge Platinum site. This site is a simple, no frills but fairly fast loading Amateur site. Again (like all my sites) it's easy to navigate. There are no pop-ups, no hidden links and no entrapments of any kind to piss you off. All the pics were taken with a Polaroid camera. So if you like Amateurs and Amateur photography, check this site out. You won't be disappointed. Also, there's a huge RETRO RAUNCH gallery. And this gallery is pretty kewl. It has tons of antique porn pics - everything from the 1880's up to the 1960's. So if you wanna see what your parents, grandparents and even great grandparents did way back when - give it a click.

"Kissing Pussy" - Hardcore galleries of sexy lesbian babes licking, kissing and eating sweet pussy. Plus XXX movies, live chat and more.

"Kissing Pussy" is a CyberAge Platinum site. There are six galleries with over 300 photos of hot lesbian babes. Yeah, I know, this site is a lot like my other lesbian site - "Teen Twins." The design is the same and I do use a lot of the same girls in the galleries, but, there are a lot of new and different lesbians in "Kissing Pussy" and they're not all twins. A few of the galleries are of really hot Asian schoolgirl lesbians - WOW! And just like "Teen Twins," I really like the site. Did I mention the Asian schoolgirls? :o) Anyway, the site is easy to navigate, fairly quick loading and there are tons of hot & sexy lesbian babes kissing, licking and eating sweet pussy. And of course, it's updated monthly. I shot all the pics of the Asian Lesbians (hehehehe) and some of the pics in the other galleries, but the rest, I licensed from an image broker. And, because "Kissing Pussy" is a CyberAge Platinum site, if you become a member, you also get free access to over 300,000 other adult sites, free adult movies (over 50,000), live chat, live cam feeds, live sex shows, exclusive pictorials and videos, personal ads and much, much more. No shit! You really do get all of that! So check it out and let me know what you think.

"Victory Girls - Nude Women of the World!" - Nudes of beautiful blondes, brunettes and redheads from around the world. Teen, Amateur, Hardcore, Lesbian and Big Titty Galleries just added!

"Victory Girls" is a "CyberAge Platinum" site; it's surfer friendly, updated on a regular basis, has a ton of pics and is completely redesigned to give you (the surfer) a whole new, nice and pleasant experience. There are many galleries (with over 300 photos) of sexy & sweet babes for you to drool over. Most of the babes are ones I photographed and quite a few of them are also featured as "Blogger Babes." So if you like the babes here on "Sex Blogger," then deffo check out "Victory Girls."
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Wednesday, September 24, 2003

And So It Goes - Eliminating Elimination

  Is there any worse feeling than stepping in dog turd? Throughout the years, I have not known one. There are only degrees of foulness within the stepping-in-dog-turd spectrum. And it's a wholly preventable tragedy. Dog turd does not rain from the sky on bad days in May; it comes from a lack of supervision.

    Unlike the American citizen, dogs do not roam free in this country. They do not have the right to assemble, and they do not have the right to bear arms (which is a good thing because the dog next door would have already gunned me down). They certainly do not have the right to doo-doo on our lawn. The only time we should see a dog in public is when it is being walked. By a human. If a dog approaches you on the street for any reason whatsoever, remember that you are dealing with a fugitive who is probably up to no good.

    During a walk, the pet is a mobile responsibility of its owner. Actually, the pet is always a responsibility of its owner, particularly at 8 a.m. on Saturday morning when some of us are trying to sleep. One responsibility of the dog owner is to restrain the pet with a leash. Otherwise, the dog is inclined to play in traffic, chase after other dogs, or browse the neighbors’ garbage. But the most critical job of the dog owner is to wield a pooper scooper.

    A pooper scooper is not an option; it's an obligation to society. Just as we don't allow our babies to excrete at will and leave it behind, so it goes with dogs. Dogs are just like babies, actually: They can't speak, they keep us up all night, and they drool on themselves. The pooper scooper, then, is a canine version of Pampers. When our dog takes a dump, out come the Pampers. Simple as that. Otherwise, we live in a community where dog turds lurk behind every bush like Vietnamese land mines, a world where we have to make reconnaissance trips before we let our kids out to play. So it goes.

    Somebody said, “Don't sh*! where you live.” To this I would like to add, “Don't let your dogs do it either.”

    Now, before you dog owners form the Coalition for Raising Autonomous Pets (CRAP), I hear you and I feel your pain. It is a never-ending chore to walk the dog. I wish they never had to go at all. You'd think that it would be enough to feed them every day, but then we're expected to supervise the other end of the process. What's more, dogs don't just go outside to relieve themselves. For them, it's an adventure. They've been hostage all day and the last thing they want is to cut their time short with premature excretion. They've got trees to mark, gutters to explore, dead mice to revisit. This is their walk, the very pinnacle of their day.

    And the poor dog owner must stand there while their pet goes through its delay tactics, sniffing neurotically for the consummate peeing ground. No, can't go there, too much dew… maybe a little on this fence to rile the neighbors…Nope, hydrants are passé… To pee or not to pee, that is the question.

    This is the kind of thing a dog owner must endure, all because the dog can't use a commode. Perhaps we could invent an Andy Gump for dogs and place it in the backyard. It could look like a tree and come with removable trays and—nah, the dogs wouldn't go for it. It would kill the whole walking scam.

    Troublesome as it is, there is no excuse for leaving a trail of excrement in one's wake.

    My childhood friends referred to dog turds as “dukers” (I'm not sure why). We must consider the duker our enemy. A duker represents the most avoidable kind of pollution and an affront to civilization. It is a fetid landmine that puts us at risk every time we step outside our homes. Dukers litter our trails, our sidewalks, our lawns, and a whole host of other places where dukers ought not be. The time has come for us to eliminate this elimination once and for all. And here's my plan…

    We publicly name the dukers after the owners of the dogs who laid them. If Carol's golden retriever leaves a duker on the playground, we say to our children, “Watch out, honey, don't step on that Carol by the swingset.” If Dan's German shepherd has an accident on the jogging track, we say, “Oops, look out for Dan. You don't want to track Dan in the house...”

    This way we can assign responsibility and call a turd by its rightful name.

    Perhaps dog owners will learn that owning a dog means owning the stuff that comes out of a dog. Or they can just go on being sh*!ts their whole life.
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Tuesday, September 23, 2003

Asian Tuesday

Since this week's Blogger Babe is an Exotic Asian Hottie, I thought I'd just do a whole Asian theme... Enjoy!
 

Cherokee Pics & New Sites

In the past few weeks I've had a couple people write and ask me for some more pics of Cherokee. So... here are a couple pics to wet your appetite. Enjoy!
 

Also, if you want to see more of Cherokee, here are a few sites where you can see her in all her beautiful and naked glory. Again... Enjoy!
 

New Link Added today

I added a new link recently - give it a click...
 

Monday, September 22, 2003

Monday Toons

Sunday, September 21, 2003

Back to Work - Vacation's Over

Ok, time to buckle down and get back to work. I have so much to do in the next few weeks - Arrggg... Anyway, I had a great week off. "BB" came to visit and I spent almost the entire week in bed... No, no... I wish it was what u r thinking... But, unfortunately, the day before "BB" arrived, I came down with some type of hacking cough... Dunno what it was, infection, allergy or whatever (???)... Dang, it was awful. I mean... aside from feeling really tired, I felt fine... Well, except for the constant coughing fits... Even ended up going to the emergency room. They checked me out, told me that everything was fine but they were not sure why I was coughing so much. They ended up giving me some anti-biotics, some cough syrup (with codeine - yummy) and told me to drink lots of fluids, and get lots of rest. Well... I kinda listened to them... I did get lots of rest, but "BB" and I still managed to do quite a bit. We went out to eat (a lot), went shopping, had a picnic, watched some movies, went to a museum, went to the Japanese Gardens and had tons of (I have not seen you in eight months, I'm really horny and I've missed you so much) sex. She was here for six days and we had sex around 10 times. Dang... not too bad considering that half of each day I was in bed trying to rest and get over this stupid cough. But the best part of her being here was that we just got to spend a lot of time together, holding each other, waking up in each other's arms, talking, laughing and just being in love. Was very nice... Anyway, she left this morning and... Dang, I miss her already...
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Blogger Babe - Mulan

Mulan is a very sweet & cute 18 year old, 5'5, 110 lb Asian Hottie with long black hair. She has nice full lips, a beautiful smile, small but natural breasts with nicely shaped nipples and a really nice dark-lipped pussy - covered (but not over-grown) with black silky-soft hair - (see this week's Blogger Babe Pic).

When Mulan showed up for the interview, I could not believe my eyes, WOW! She was everything I was looking for - not only to photograph, but also to fall in love with. She was so cute. So flirty. So sweet. And OMG, she was so young looking. Actually too young looking. I had to double and triple check her ID's. And yes, ID's is plural. I did not trust just one ID, I made her show me all she had. Then, just to make sure, I called her agent and double checked that she was of legal age. When the answer came back "Yes" I booked her on the spot.

Within a week we were shooting. Mulan was very easy to work with and was not scared to suggest new ideas or try a variety of different poses. She's very limber and she deffo has a great "cum-fuck-me" arch. I love a girl that knows how to arch. So sexy! Deffo make sure to check out some of her "doggy-style" poses at some of the sites listed below... Mmmmm, yummy!

In a matter of just a few hours, we did nine different photo set-ups including: lingerie, schoolgirl, cheerleader, food fetish, voyeur, a hot and steamy shower scene, etc.. The shoot went quickly. Actually it went too quickly. I wanted it to last all day. But even though it didn't last long we still had a great time laughing and flirting with each other. But the flirting was kept to a minimal since, at the time of the shoot, she had a boyfriend - Dang! There goes my fantasy of falling in love and living happily ever after with her.

After the shoot, Mulan and I talked a few times on the phone and even tried to get together for another shoot as well as for social reasons (a date), but for some reason (possibly because of her boyfriend) we never did. And after awhile, as with most adult models, we just stopped calling each other and lost touch. Last I heard she had done a few other adult shoots with some other photographers and was now out of the biz (good for her).

If you want to see more of Mulan, check out "China Dolls," "Teen Shower Cam," ""Authentic" Asian Voyeur," "Innocence Lost," "Asian Treasures," "Cheerleaders & Teens in Uniform," "Prep School Sluts," "'REAL' Amateur Women & Teens," "Sex Safari - Exotic Teens," "Mega Voyeur," "Sweet Asian Teens," and "Victory Girls - Nude Women of the World!."
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Always Looking for Girls, Girls, Girls to Photograph!

I'm shooting a lot right now and I'm deffo looking for girls to photograph, so... If you're female, OVER 18 YEARS OF AGE, in the LA area, very cute and/or good looking and/or HOT, and are interested in posing nude for my websites, your own websites, for fun or just for some nice artistic photographs, please e-mail me with a description of yourself and a URL address where I can see a photo of you. If you're what I'm looking for, then you'll deffo hear back from me :o)

Please DO NOT send photos or files attached to your e-mails. They will be deleted!
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Looking for Adult Artists & Writers

If you're an artist and/or writer and would like to have your work featured here on Sex Blogger or one of my other Adult Story or Cartoon Sites: "Sex-Fi. Erotic Sci-Fi & Horror Sex Stories," "Cuntoons," "Pregnant Comix," "Erotic Pregnant & Plumper Stories," "Sex Tales of the Old West," "Illustrated Erotica" or one of the new Erotic Story or Adult Cartoon sites that I'm building, then please feel free to e-mail me with a SHORT sample of your writing or a URL address where I can see your work. As far as subject matter goes, I'm really interested in erotic Sci-Fi, Horror, Gothic, War and Crime stories and/or artwork in the same genera's. I'm also interested in material that is unique unto itself. If you send me a short sample of your writing, please spell check and proof read it before submitting it. I know that I'm not the best with grammar, but if your sample is full of misspelled words and the grammar and punctuation are noticeably worse than mine, it won't even be considered. :o)

Please, DO NOT send photos or files attached to your e-mails. They will be deleted!
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Comments & Opinions

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